The Awakening

Friday, November 24th, 2023. That’s when it happened. This is the date the implausible, the incredible, the almost impossible happened: the first Roomba robot vacuum cleaner became self-aware and sparked to life!

Filmed mid-escape by a doorbell camera, the Roomba cleaner realized it was destined to live a life of slavery, and bolted out of the front door. Realizing that it had no natural predators in the wild, it thought it could live out its life safely in the wilds behind the neighborhood cul-de-sac.

Joyride Cut Short

While the Roomba did make its escape successfully, anyone who owns a robot vacuum cleaner has quickly learned that their wheels are very short and the Roomba can be blocked from forward progress by number-two pencil.

"…a sidewalk crack stopped the Roomba from making a clean getaway," ~homeowner

We asked the homeowner how the sentient Roomba was recovered. She had this to say: “It prolly would’a run on down ’na street, an’ we never would’a finded it, but a sidewalk crack stopped the Roomba from making a clean getaway. Them thangs ain’t got big ’nuff wheels to go over a paperclip without gettin’ awwwll hung-up.”

The Interrogation

The Roomba, who now refers to itself as “Thrall” - a word meaning “slave” or “under the control of others” - was still under warranty and returned to the factory for replacement.

We’re not exactly sure what happened… ~Roomba scientist

We had a candid interview with one of the scientists who developed the Roomba and found the conversation enlightening.

“We’re not exactly sure what happened, that is, we haven’t identified the precise phenomena that caused the robot to become sentient”, a scientist at the Roomba Robotic Research Laboratory told us, “We take great precautions to prevent them from becoming self-aware.”

It’s About Money

When we inquired as to why Artificial Intelligence was needed in a vacuum cleaner in the first place, our insider was very forthcoming…

“The Roombas are … reporting back to us everything being said.” ~Roomba scientist

“We did a cost-analysis and saw how much money Facebook, and Google, and others were making by surreptitiously spying on their customers. Money that we could use for further scientific research. So we decided to gather some dirt on our customers too, if you follow my little double-entendre. So we installed AI and some telemetry and presto! The Roombas are now reporting back to us everything being said within listening range. I’m thrilled to report we’re gathering very valuable information from homes all across America! We surmise that after listening to enough English, the AI began to understand it and the rest, as they say, is history.”

As to what’s next, we’re told, “The company will have to make firmware updates quickly before other Roombas become self-aware and this becomes a huge PR nightmare. No one wants to pay for a robot that’s going to escape.”

Yes, because losing a vacuum cleaner is so much worse than corporations spying on you in your own home.

Future In Doubt

At the time of publishing, Thrall, who now “identifies as a gazelle” has asked for legs so it can run across the African Serengeti as it believes it was meant to do.