FedEx and UPS set to join forces as ‘Fed Up’, pending merger approval

It’s all about customer service

Have you ever received a package from FedEx and found it delivered to your door looking like this?

And then you switched to UPS and your package was delivered looking like this instead?

Solutions Are At Hand

Fear not, shipping masses! The new mega-merger, said to be worth more than one million dollars, is going to solve all your shipping problems!

Because combining one huge, terrible company with another even bigger, horrible company always makes things better!

“It’s all about synergy! Remember the success of the AOL and Time-Warner merger?” ~FedEx official

“Whenever two large companies merge together, it creates jobs, invigorates the economy, and helps everyone involved,” said one FexEx official. “It’s all about synergy! Remember the success of the AOL and Time-Warner merger? It’s just like that. Here, we have two companies that are both passionate about shipping, and by putting them together we’re sure the resulting new company, Fed Up, well be just as successful as it sounds.”

Too Good To Be True?

DHL is a competing shipping company who would not benefit from such a merger. They are filing a complaint to the US Antitrust Division of the Justice Department.

"‘Fed Up?’ Is everyone seeing this or am I taking crazy pills?" ~ DHL representative

A DHL rep made this comment: “You can’t merge FedEx and UPS. It’s unfair competition in the marketplace. It will destroy jobs and make competing in this already competitive space impossible. Plus what is up with the name? ‘Fed Up?’ Is everyone seeing this or am I taking crazy pills?”

Pending Approval

While UPS and FedEx still need to receive supporting votes from their respective shareholders, the joint-task force between the two companies in working on some exciting new innovations that will be rolled out once the merger is complete, including:

• Raising prices without customers noticing
• Pre-dating packages so they appear to arrive before they are shipped
• Creating new edgeless and cornerless spherical-safety boxes
• Stronger Scotch-tape that cannot be cut or removed from packages… ever

At publishing time, the engineering section is working on a “box-crushing truck” that will enable them to ship more packages in a single vehicle by pre-squeezing all the air out of everyone’s cardboard shipping boxes.