Kissinger Downsizes

Henry Kissinger, at age 100 has, has just joined the trans community by cutting off his entire body.

As a centenarian, Henry Kissinger - who is:

• a former Secretary of State,
• US National Security Advisor,
• chairman of numerous universities and
• other prestigious bodies

has elected to have his entire body removed!!

As if some bad Futurama episode has played out in real life, the former State Secretary has transferred his sizable intellect into a jar so that he can live on and advise future generations.

Unexpected TRANSaction

However, the LGBT community is left stunned and confused.

"…you only cut off your wang, not your entire body" ~ Charlie Adidektome, LGBT spokesperson, castrati advocate

We interviewed Charlie Adidektome, a spokesperson for the LGBT community and vocal castrati advocate and trans man to better understand the trans community’s perspective: “Being trans means putting on a dress if you’re a man transitioning to a woman, or maybe getting breast implants. Even in the most complete trans situation, you only cut off your wang, not your entire body!”

Adidektome added further concerns for the LGBT community:

“Where are we supposed to go from here? Are we all going to have to cut off our entire bodies to be considered ’trans’ after this? I’m not doing that - I’d go back to being a chick first.”

We’re not sure if we that kind of head-only-phobia should be tolerated.

“Are we all going to have to cut off our entire bodies to be considered ’trans’ after this?” ~Charlise Adidektome, LGBT spokesperson

Avoiding Death

But Henry Kissinger - known for having a four digit IQ and lacking any vocal intonation - may not be so much “trans” as outsmarting death himself.

The doctor who performed Kissinger’s “torsoectomy” surgery, a Dr. Gil O’Tiene had this observation on Henry Kissinger’s decision to become one of the cranially liberated:

“Henry Kissinger is among the first to successfully abandon his failing body, which now allows him to live on indefinitely, preserving the brain and consciousness for generations to come. He’s effectively evaded death as his head lives in a life-preserving, anti-aging cocktail of chemicals and aminos.

Way Of The Future

Dr. Gil O’Tiene provided some further valuable insights:

We, at the Center for Excessive Truncation, believe that living on as a head, or being “cranially liberated” as we like to call it, will become the newest elective surgery fad.”

“Kids from all over are going to have their body excised. After a successful surgery, we can just set them in front of a video game where they’ll finally be happy we won’t expect any more of them.”

Downsides To Being ‘Only A Head’

We investigated further and discovered there are some possible downsides to being cranially liberated.

Here’s what a group of cranially liberated teens had to say:

“It’s so much harder to whistle under water.”

“My dad puts a blanket over my jar when company comes over.”

“I miss putting on my own hat.”

“I’m a goth chick, but my mom puts bright, happy makeup on me…”

We’re sure they’ll think of some other things to complain about if they think about it long enough.

At publishing time, we learned Henry Kissinger was just made head of yet another university, and is awaiting being joined on the shelf by long-time friend and colleague William Shatner.